Like, all I really draw anymore is Faylo. And I'm not really mad about it.
Should I be?
Thinking I should give him his own tumblr.
But maybe not...
Somehow I get the impression that I'm the only one who loves him, and he is despised by the few who have actually gotten to know his character.
However, this could just be the pessimist inside of me talking.
I am a pessimist, you know.
Bright side? What bright side?
In the end I guess I really don't care what the world thinks of my transvestite.
He's my transvestite, my beautiful blue-haired creation, and I love him.
My ego has taken a pounding these past few weeks, and my mind is in a rather dark place concerning my art and my life.
I guess it has just dawned on me how insignificant and pointless my art actually is. Despite the hours I pour into my work, despite the constant self critiques and more hours of researching references, despite my strong concepts and my compositions and execution, I'm just another artist. One of thousands.
I don't stand out. I'm too good to be bad, yet I'm not good enough to be great.
So I'm stuck in this limbo. People give my work a look, form whatever opinion they have, give it a nod and move on.
It was pounded into my brain from a young age that I am not successful if I am not making any money.
So I guess everything I do is a failure, because I don't make money from what I do. I do what I do because it's a part of me and I love it.
But who cares about love when you can have money, right?
Not that I wouldn't love to have people wanting to pay me to have my work in their home.
That would be really awesome.
But it's something that will never happen.
It's just a fantasy that I like to torture myself with.
Which is why I'm going to stop making a fool of myself on this site and take down the "I'm open for Commissions" sign.
I'll just go back to occasionally taking a request or two.
Because I don't think I can take being constantly reminded of how pointless I am.
I think I need to take a vacation, dA.
I need a break, dA.
I'm leaving you for a while, dA.
I need to make myself feel better again.
Be back soon, but not too soon.
"Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go"